It’s been a while since I’ve felt so young. I want to thank you for that.
Just last night, while moisturizing various dry spots, I thought to myself, “Girlfriend, accept it. The days of eliciting anger from strange men are behind you.”
And then you happened along in your F-150…
What I Thought Then: Baby helps people and now that she knows how to dance, she and Johnny will change the world together. Her father’s such a tightass. Relax old man!
What I Think Now: In the span of a day, her father discovers he not only financed…
My twin sons recently turned 21 and I wrote this guide. You know. To help.
Here’s what your signature drink says about you:
· American beer, any brand — You’ll change your major every other month and blow tuition on Draft Kings.
· European beer, any brand — You’ll support…
Is this a high school or hospital?
When people ask why I’m walking funny or not exercising, I’m honest. I say, “I had a surgical procedure.” For some, that explanation isn’t good enough. They’re not nosy: they’re concerned. So I’ve been responding to follow-up questions in a variety of ways.
If you’re dealing with a certain kind…
When I was your age doctors didn’t give us anesthesia when they went down our throats with a scope. That’d be a slap in the face to those of us who dated Italians or went to Catholic school. And not a good slap in the face either.
When I was…
No dude. We cannot be Facebook friends.
I only had two official options when responding to your friendship request: Confirm or Delete. Confirm was beyond the realm of possibilities. Delete? Too easy.
Delete is reserved for former co-workers who throw around “supposably.”
You deserve a detailed response.
Or is he just really into fantasy football?
I can totally hear him when he’s on the phone. He tries to keep his voice down. But he’s a Jewish man whose family originally hails from the Bronx.
They consider soft-spoken meshuga.
Recently, his calls have taken a turn. With elevating…
“He scheduled our date for 8pm. So it’s over. I don’t date cocaine addicts.”
“When I was your age, coming out as a demisexual meant a party where your best friend asked the Ouija board if you’d stay a virgin forever. Then pushed it to yes.”
“Liz Phair, Garbage, and…
Former deal-breakers aren’t deal-breakers anymore.
We’ve spent 15 months horrified by our friends’ political views on social media. Unfriending left and right. Rethinking inner circles. Weeding out racists or those who vote like racists.
That’s fine. Good to have standards.
But let’s relax expectations in other, less important categories. Otherwise…